An Adieu to 32

A fourteen hour plane ride on your birthday gives you a lot of time to look back. It’s difficult to recognize that what you’re doing at this precise moment will quickly turn into a memory. Most change is subtle and we don’t recognize it as it is happening; it is only when we look back that we realize just how much has transpired.

Thirty-two was transformational. It was a year that was waiting for me to show up. Every experience that I had felt impactful, not only because it was molding and affecting me in unique ways, but because much of what I went through reaffirmed what I already knew about myself, but what I needed to test.

I sought out to be uncomfortable at thirty-two. I wanted to push myself, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

As a kid I hated running – tag was not my go to game. Running has never been easy for me, but I’ve always wanted to move beyond the difficulty. In the past, I’d given half-hearted attempts and never stuck to a routine. This time around, I stuck to a routine. And even though exercise is a big part of my life, I still found myself disliking running. I did it anyway. I convinced myself to get out of bed before work to do something that made me uncomfortable. And when I felt like I could run no more, I forced myself to keep going. Out of breath, out of my comfort zone, out of desire to see it through, still I ran. I kept going. Little did I know that much of thirty-two was going to feel this way.

Emotionally, I got myself into situations that went against all guidelines that I’d set for myself. I was tired of guidelines and found myself questioning if those guidelines were there for safety or out of an authentic and personal path to fulfillment. And so I pushed myself to explore. I tested out different emotional connections. I found myself delving into tiers of relationships that I’d never been interested in before. At times it was so incredibly uncomfortable that I ached to run back to the safety guidelines. But, I kept going. I pushed through the uncomfortableness because it was the only way for me to grow in my self-awareness. Sometimes it was rough and even terrifying, but other times the strength that accompanied the vulnerable honesty with myself trumped those feelings.

Pushing myself mentally was by far the most uncomfortable part of thirty-two. Much of my time is spent reading, thinking, analyzing, and analyzing, and analyzing some more. The noise is constant. Something needed to change, but the urgency became more evident when my anxiety started to reappear after a 5 year hiatus. I picked up mindfulness meditation. Talk about being uncomfortable. Sitting with my thoughts, watching them pass by, working on letting them go without judgment – that was seriously uncomfortable.  I wanted to quit after the first day. I continued doing it anyway.

I can no longer imagine a life without running or mindfulness meditation. They both gifted me a special type of freedom that isn’t similar to any other.

Thirty-two was the year where I willingly participated in experiences that I never imagined myself partaking in. With that came a lot of highs and a lot of lows. But, most importantly, thirty-two left me feeling grounded.

While riding the uncomfortableness wave, I found a confidence that what I value is authentic to me and not simply values that I’ve adopted because of the associations that I have with them. I learned what I need, what I want, what works, what doesn’t work, what moves me, what centers me, where I want to place my energy. I learned how to accept and respect my boundaries. I cannot transmit through words the intense satisfaction, power, and peace that this creates.

Thirty-two gave me the opportunity to work on myself in an intense and nonsectarian spiritual way.

Now, at thirty-three, I’m  working on projects that move me and are important to me, my relationships are healthy, and I’m back to a place where I feel grounded enough to share myself without getting lost.

And so, in closing, I lovingly bid adieu to all the uncomfortableness and hard work that defined thirty-two for me.

At thirty-three, I am grateful for how centered, open, confident, and ready that I feel. I am also thankful for the energy that I’ve created and am eager to manifest some major aspirations.

At thirty-three, I am humbled and beyond content by the people whom I’ve chosen and have chosen me back; it makes it that much more rewarding to be in such a good place when I’m surrounded by the extraordinary people who are present with me in this journey.

Thirty-three, I have a good feeling about you.

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