Disclaimer: This post is an anomaly from my previous posts and is more centered around sharing the internal transition that ‘doing’ is provoking for me.
I attended an event, not even sure that’s the right word to describe it. In my attempt to ‘do,’ to push my boundaries in order to clarify which ones I want to keep and which ones I’d like to release, I walked inside a sanctuary for the arts. The building structure reflects everything that a church resembles, but once inside the setup offers a different type of healing. It plays with lighting, meditation pillows cover the floor, a big stuffed tiger is on stage…it is quite the scene.
The event focused on energy, reaching higher vibrations, sensitivity, awareness…basically topics that I’ve been delving into. There were approximately 17 people present, not including the facilitator. I walked in the door without any expectations and open to receiving the experience that was awaiting me.
After a short meditation, the conversation took an authentic focus on sensitivity and awareness. There was an openness in what people shared, whether it be their current passions, recurring demons, or just a present thought. I’m less interested in recounting the details of the conversation, and more eager to make sense out of the group hypnotherapy session that occurred at the end.
My knowledge of hypnotherapy is limited (pretty much non-existent). I can’t claim that I’ve ever had an interest in experimenting with hypnotherapy, but yet there I was, surprised that the experience had taken me to this journey. I did not lose consciousness; I heard the soothing voice, every word that it addressed to my subconscious. It was relaxing, but not something to write home about. After the end of the journey, closing comments, conversation, I got home pretty late and quickly fell asleep, but not before experimenting with velvet flame meditation (which I’m not necessarily buying, so if you can enlighten me by sharing your knowledge and experience with this, please do so).
The next day….
As someone still relatively new to meditation and with the addition of this new experience, I woke up feeling, and feeling, and feeling.
I was bursting at the seams. It was as if I had opened a door where all the miscellaneous objects had been stored and stored, to the point where they were pushing the door ajar….except instead of objects, they were feelings.
I’m a thinker. I spend my time thinking. Negative thoughts, positive thoughts, critical thoughts, philosophical thoughts, hypothetical thoughts, always thoughts. But here I was: present. Aware. And, there was nothing but an overwhelming amount of feeling, leaking. Joy, sadness, gratefulness, love, pain, disappointment, excitement, fulfillment, longing, a paradoxical and never ending list. It lasted for hours. Nonstop. A rawness and openness and euphoric presence that I had not experienced to that extent.
It was uncomfortable to sit with, but it also opened up avenues to creativity. I don’t have a researched, analytical/critical perspective to offer on hypnotherapy and velvet flame meditation, but you can be assured that I’m seeking out knowledge and texts.
Until then, the experience did leave me with a desire to scream my gratefulness and so I’ll leave you with this:
Today I am humbled and grateful for my body. The way it supports me, liberates me, takes my mind to a higher vibration. Its strength, beauty, softness and curves, and the way it connects with another. The way in which my legs take me on runs, the inner power in my kicks, the worthiness found in my punches, the ecstasy it finds when moving to a beat. The affection it shares and the love it receives. Its presence and persistence. An ode to my body.
Today I am humbled and grateful for my multiplicity. The push and pull of wanting to be and go all at once. My ease with philosophers, my fellowship with intellectuals, my kinship with creators, my love for jokesters, my joy with city hedonists, my fit with explorers and storytellers. My longing to pursue form and stability. My playful energy that demands freedom and growth. The paradoxical harmony and dissonance of my multiplicity that makes me feel alive.
You don’t need to share, but have you thought about what is making you feel alive today?